Just a little bit caught in the middle

To the person who makes me happy without even lifting a finger (metaphorically, that is): 

I feel like talking about you.

You amuse me. I'm not sure if it is you or the relationship we have that I find rather amusing. So maybe, in an attempt to find an answer, I'll say what is on my mind hoping that somewhere, along the way, I'll understand. I do not want to tell you this directly because I'm afraid you might take this wrongly. But I will post it here, so that you will still get to read it in your own time. This is my token of appreciation for you and this awesome friendship.

First off, I will tell you how I see this relationship. We are friends. When I first met you, I thought you're cute. Not that I think that you've gone down on the looks department now, but it's just that, your personality is so awesome that I feel your looks doesn't give enough justice to your beauty as a person. The more I talk with you, listen to your random blurbs about back pains, heavy things, and that stranger you met the other week, the more I learn about you, the more I find it a pleasure to get to know someone like you.

You are weird and random that because your unpredictability is almost an everyday thing, I pick out patterns and I tend to predict what's going to happen next. Funny though because even if I already have expectations, I still catch myself laughing as if it's the last thing I thought you'd be doing. You are weird and random and totally off-the-wall that you remind me so much of myself.

I like having you as a friend. I do not have to explain, justify, or put up an act. I am not afraid of looking stupid, arrogant, smart, or whatever with you. I can be my normal bipolar self  and I still feel that you'll understand; that you will not attempt to explain, justify, or put up an act as an answer to me.

Sometimes, I wonder whether I like you because I like you or I like you because you remind me so much of myself. Talking with you is like talking to a mirror. And it's a happier feeling knowing that you are a breathing, talking person instead of a reflected image. I like it how we do not mind making our presence known to each other. I like how I can freely cuss whenever we talk, or how the idea of talking about gross things come off as something amusing for us. We never really asked each other direct questions about ourselves but it still feels as if we know each other much.

It's nice to know that with you, being off-tangent like talking about religion then ranting about soy sauce the next minute, is an everyday thing. I find it amusing how you always give me vague and incomplete answers and that instead of being annoyed that you do so, I just shrug it off and go on with the next subject. I like how we are indifferent and apathetic that we leave no space for complications and assumptions. I like how you can freely point out my flaws and then ask for my advice afterwards. I like how we encourage each other to change and how we unconsciously build our lives together. You are like my best playmate. The kind who'd laugh when I fall face down on a mud puddle but would then jump in because he feels it unfair that I get to enjoy something and he can't.

I have always thought that you'd be a good husband. That even if I don't have plans of marrying, I wouldn't mind it if my future spouse would be you. Is it weird that I can't imagine us as lovers but I can picture spending the rest of my life with you? I feel as if all we're going to do is build sandcastles, climb mountains, play video games, make music, paint, and eat tartar sauce.

Once I asked your opinion about love and after hearing my seemingly endless story, you suggested that I might have been in love before. Actually, I already have. I even had my heart semi-broken twice. So I pretty much have a hint of how it feels and when I should call for a time-out. The weird thing is, I do not think that I love you nor am I sure that I'm falling, but I do know that I like you. I never had those feelings associated with 'butterflies in the stomach' with you but you make me smile THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS big. I never had friendships this close with a guy without feeling nervous that something might happen along the way. But with you, it is definitely hakuna matata.

To be honest, I wrote this letter because I am hoping that in doing so, I might tap that hidden spot in my heart which would tell me that yes, I am in love. But I am nearing the end of my letter and still there is none. On another hand, what I feel now is exactly what I felt before when I wrote my friendship essays for Meg, Jane, and Eseng.

So to you my dear friend and playmate, I wish our friendship will stretch into years and into forever. And if ever that certain time comes when I'll finally marry and have children of my own, I will tell them about you. About the boy who thinks like me. And that for a certain time in my life, he made me very happy. Then maybe, my children will learn that you do not need to fall in love to like a person so much.