A month has passed.
Nothing extremely ground-breaking happened but I did learn, relearn, and unlearn some things.
Wearing layers of clothes is the first step in doing so but I know that if I want to survive the winter, I have to learn how to actually get used to it. I always talk about the weather as the most shocking thing I've encountered in UK and, primarily, because it is true. Growing up in sun-battered Cotabato City, the coldest temperature I have endured is a 'freezing' 23 degrees.
I practiced getting used to the cold by wearing pyjamas on my trips to the laundry area late at night. It is hitting two birds with one stone because there are no other people around and I learn to toughen up in dealing with the evening chill.
Secondly, I've relearned how not to be awkward when meeting new people or when surrounded by crowds.
Perhaps it is the "university air" which is why I'm acting (quite naturally, I dare say) like how I used to do back in university. I realised that I sort of missed this feeling. Y'know, the feeling of having casual conversations with people without racking your brains off on what thing to say next (also read as, "hey I can do small talks again! Hahaha!) I have relearned how to be comfortable in crowds again. If before I dread the idea of talking to someone I do not know about some stuff I don't really care about, now I am actually looking forward to it! I mean, emotions aren't really my cup of tea but it is always a nice feeling to make someone's day---especially if you do so just by lending them an ear.
Lastly, I have unlearned that talent and luck are enough to get by and achieve great things.
A lot of people may not agree with that right off the bat but, honestly, it is something that I have believed in for most of my life. See, I've never considered myself as a skilful or hardworking person. I even take pride in my come-what-may attitude. I was so used to being (and acting) chill on many stuff which is why it is easy for me to move on from failures. (Someone I know asked me once what my most staggering failure was and I answered "none"). Regrettably, it is also this reason why I do not think highly of the things that I have achieved. I've always felt and thought that I'm just an average girl (with sufficient amounts of talent) doing average things (with a generous helping of luck). In a way, the thought was framed to keep my feet rooted to the ground. To be humble. To not think highly of oneself. It is why I get awkward around compliments and that when one applauds me for a thing well done, my immediate reaction is to think "eh? It was not something worth applauding though" instead of just saying thanks.
After a month of staying here, I have come to recognise that, perhaps, I need to change that kind of attitude. It, indeed, hammers humility to your senses but it may come off as the opposite to others. I reflected and realised that contrary to what I used to think, I may have actually worked hard (without me realising) for these achievements. I may have crammed my way into graduating university and charmed my way in the interviews to get employed; but at the end of the day, I still learned a lot in university and I was able to use these to do my job properly when I got into the work force.
Chevening may be something I did not lose sleep over but I did write my essay thousand times over in my head, reassess my life plan, got scared to my toes during the interview, and wreck my nerves waiting for the results. Everything that has happened and is happening to me is a product of my decisions and the hard work (how little they may seem to me) I've nonchalantly put on through the years.
Last week, as I was talking to university classmates (and being awed for what they are and what they achieved), I told myself that I should strive to be half of what they are. There is always something more that we can offer. If I refuse to see the worth of the things I've done, I will always underestimate myself and I will deter myself from reaching my fullest potential. I will not be truly happy. That night, as I walked myself home, I gave myself a pat on the head (metaphorically) and repeated "It's okay to work hard; it doesn't make you any less cool" over and over again.
A month.
Nothing extremely ground-breaking happened but I think I'm doing okay.
Now for the next challenge, I need to work on learning how to budget money REALLY WELL, re-learning how to be a good student (a skill I learned when I was four and I've lost five years later), and unlearning biases about myself, people, and the world in general.
It's kinda funny, now I think of it, how #MyCheveningJourney is slowly turning into a journey on rediscovering myself. Haha!
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