August 20-22, 2008
Senior's retreat
In St. Charles Borromeo Retreat House
This reading is taken from my journal notebook.
"As a child, I was trained to be happy and contented. Given stones or diamonds, both way, I'd be happy. I was taught to write all the things I like in a notebook. Then, I would crash out those things that I have lost liking to. Usually, at the end of the month, the pages of the notebook wold be tattered from all the scratching out and erasures. It was only now that I realized that my grandmother has taught me the notion of "dwindling marginal utility" way before my first Economics subject in college.
Yes, I grew up learning that virtue. Something only few people could ever learn and LIVE WITH. Learning that YOU CAN NEVER have all that you want. And that, you MUST NOT GET all that you want because there are a lot of people who NEED it more than you can WANT it.
Maybe I am just providing reasons for my laxity, but then again, maybe not. I cried while throwing away the "coins" for "excelling in school" because truth be known, I miss walking on the stage, receiving medals, and topping the class. I want to excel. But I am happy and contented with my grades. I know, I know. I do not lift a finger to study, Icut shred class, I'm freezing my eyebrows, and I'm living the Juan Tamad life, but I still get good grades. Maybe not the pre-defined "good" that my parents used to get. But it's not bad. And I'm happy with that. Until, of course, today.
I realized that, yes, I'm happy. But I CAN BE HAPPIER. There are things I want that I do not pursue. Actually, if I only WANT to DO SO, I can do EVERYTHING. It's just that, I'm afraid to take risks. Especially for myself.
I do not give myself the chance to be happier. Because I am scared.
Courage. I don't have it. And it's funny how I endured nineteen years of existence without having that up my sleeve. Or maybe, the safety and security that my family and friends provide me compensate for my lack of courage.
But then again, I realized that I have to make myself move. I have to learn how to be HAPPIER. I have to STEP OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE. Because I know, even if I'm a foot away from them, they would always watch for me and help me stand up in case I trip on my own feet.
Fear is what hinders people in achieving their dreams. Fear of failing. Fear of not being good enough. There are those brave enough to chase after their ambitions, but some of them give up even before attaining their dreams. They stumble, they trip, they fall down. And then, they get scared of standing up again. Some are afraid of settling for less than what they wanted that's why they set the parameters that are easier to reach. They are scared to be "ambitious".
As I look at it, there are no such thing as "being ambitious". After all, it is normal to desire or want something. Dreams can be fulfilled. Dreams are meant to be fulfilled. As Kokoi puts it, dreams come to us. Stars fall. Maybe not now, but eventually, they will. All we have to do is wait patiently and be prepared to catch them when they fall.
Waiting for the stars to fall is not easy. The night is dark and the wind is cold. We have to fight back the fear so as to last until morning. We have to fill up our heart with courage. Like a dank room being lit up by one small candle.
Speaking of candles. Have you ever wondered why candles exist? Even with today's age of light bulbs and neon lights, there would always be candles for people. Isn't it amazing how a little candle could give a sense of comfort and warmth?
Seeing this room, with the lights turned off and candles scattered all across the floor, gives an unexplainable feeling of calmness and joy. I see Kim staring at the candle instead of writing. Maybe Justin is finished with his journal because he is playing with the candle. And as I look at my candle, candlewax sprawled over the rim of the glass and flames flickering against the dark, I knew.
We enjoy looking at candles because it reflects the gentleness of our souls. The meekness and humility of our spirit.
The candle melts not because it is on fire. But rather, because it holds the fire. It melts as it gives out light. It melts as it fulfills its purpose. A candle is not a candle if it would stay the same amidst burning throughout the night.
In its melting and giving of itself for the help of others, its value and essence is shown."
Thanks for reading, my precious candle. =)
Senior's retreat
In St. Charles Borromeo Retreat House
This reading is taken from my journal notebook.
"As a child, I was trained to be happy and contented. Given stones or diamonds, both way, I'd be happy. I was taught to write all the things I like in a notebook. Then, I would crash out those things that I have lost liking to. Usually, at the end of the month, the pages of the notebook wold be tattered from all the scratching out and erasures. It was only now that I realized that my grandmother has taught me the notion of "dwindling marginal utility" way before my first Economics subject in college.
Yes, I grew up learning that virtue. Something only few people could ever learn and LIVE WITH. Learning that YOU CAN NEVER have all that you want. And that, you MUST NOT GET all that you want because there are a lot of people who NEED it more than you can WANT it.
Maybe I am just providing reasons for my laxity, but then again, maybe not. I cried while throwing away the "coins" for "excelling in school" because truth be known, I miss walking on the stage, receiving medals, and topping the class. I want to excel. But I am happy and contented with my grades. I know, I know. I do not lift a finger to study, I
I realized that, yes, I'm happy. But I CAN BE HAPPIER. There are things I want that I do not pursue. Actually, if I only WANT to DO SO, I can do EVERYTHING. It's just that, I'm afraid to take risks. Especially for myself.
I do not give myself the chance to be happier. Because I am scared.
Courage. I don't have it. And it's funny how I endured nineteen years of existence without having that up my sleeve. Or maybe, the safety and security that my family and friends provide me compensate for my lack of courage.
But then again, I realized that I have to make myself move. I have to learn how to be HAPPIER. I have to STEP OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE. Because I know, even if I'm a foot away from them, they would always watch for me and help me stand up in case I trip on my own feet.
Fear is what hinders people in achieving their dreams. Fear of failing. Fear of not being good enough. There are those brave enough to chase after their ambitions, but some of them give up even before attaining their dreams. They stumble, they trip, they fall down. And then, they get scared of standing up again. Some are afraid of settling for less than what they wanted that's why they set the parameters that are easier to reach. They are scared to be "ambitious".
As I look at it, there are no such thing as "being ambitious". After all, it is normal to desire or want something. Dreams can be fulfilled. Dreams are meant to be fulfilled. As Kokoi puts it, dreams come to us. Stars fall. Maybe not now, but eventually, they will. All we have to do is wait patiently and be prepared to catch them when they fall.
Waiting for the stars to fall is not easy. The night is dark and the wind is cold. We have to fight back the fear so as to last until morning. We have to fill up our heart with courage. Like a dank room being lit up by one small candle.
Speaking of candles. Have you ever wondered why candles exist? Even with today's age of light bulbs and neon lights, there would always be candles for people. Isn't it amazing how a little candle could give a sense of comfort and warmth?
Seeing this room, with the lights turned off and candles scattered all across the floor, gives an unexplainable feeling of calmness and joy. I see Kim staring at the candle instead of writing. Maybe Justin is finished with his journal because he is playing with the candle. And as I look at my candle, candlewax sprawled over the rim of the glass and flames flickering against the dark, I knew.
We enjoy looking at candles because it reflects the gentleness of our souls. The meekness and humility of our spirit.
The candle melts not because it is on fire. But rather, because it holds the fire. It melts as it gives out light. It melts as it fulfills its purpose. A candle is not a candle if it would stay the same amidst burning throughout the night.
In its melting and giving of itself for the help of others, its value and essence is shown."
Thanks for reading, my precious candle. =)
3 comments:
karon pako ug kabasa na seryoso na post nimo. :)
I learned something from this post.
hahaha! char char char! kinsa ni? ryan? kendi? hahaha! :D
bitaw, tsalamats. :D
retreat man gud. kaya ENLIGHTENED. hahahaha :))
wonderful realization. :)
and cool lay-out. keep up the good work.
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