To A,

Ah… Tonight, I shall talk about you. Perhaps you'll be able read this, perhaps you'll not. Whatever it might be, it doesn't matter. I just want to talk about you, as if I am talking to you, tonight.

I miss you. 

I miss talking to you. 

We've been like this before: not talking with each other for weeks and then suddenly, we started talking again and you suddenly said you like me and I said I like you back and from then on it's like we are on the craziest roller coaster ride of our lives. So, it's fine. I know you'll come back. I just want to say I miss you. You don't have to miss me back. I don't need you to miss me. I just need to immerse myself with the feeling of missing you.

I am almost always honest with you. You, too, to me, I believe. One of the things I really like about us is that we always try to be honest with each other. And to be completely honest with you, I think that what is this that we have is going nowhere. It is, when logic is followed, the most obvious situation.

You're young and you have your life ahead of you. I am supposed to be on a different road. You are not part of the plan. You just popped in, out-of-the-blue, and I know you will eventually go away, too.

But still, you've been a healthy distraction, I might say.

Healthy, yes, because with you, I have started to notice how much I've been too detached with the world. Because of you I have learned to go back and retie the loose ends I have left because I felt they were not too important for me to be wasting my time of. Because of you, I have learned to give justice to my emotions.

Well, it is not entirely you, of course. It is always I who choose what I want, anyway. But you are the trigger. And for that, I have to acknowledge you.

Thank you for making me feel this way. It has been a loooong, long time since I've been able to. It feels amazing to be like this again. And it is more amazing to finally be able to let go of my inhibitions and enjoy these weird sensations I once scoffed at.

I told you once that you remind me of someone I used to know. Smart as you are, you figured I am talking about myself. Yes, you still remind me of myself. But if before I thought that you remind me of my younger self; now, you remind me of myself before I met you.

This is why you shouldn't worry. I am a complicated person and I even confuse myself at times; but if there is one person who knows me the most, it is nobody else but I.

I am quite sure I don't love you yet. And to be honest, I don't want to love you. Because somehow, someday, we will part. Please take this sentence without any ounce of sentimentality. Take it as you would take the usual "class dismissed" message from your professor. Plain, straight-to-the-point.

I don't ask anything from you except that you let me enjoy these emotions while I still find them worth my time.

Please don't think that I'm falling in love with you. I haven't reached that conclusion yet and I honestly don't like it when people assume about me when I, myself, aren't even sure of what I am at that moment.

I don't want to sugarcoat whatever it is  that I feel for you so I will lay it down clearly. I find you interesting. I like how you keep me on my toes about how I should interact with you. I like how you challenge me. I like how I have been pushed out of my comfort zone and that I feel as if I'm in a strategic war wherein every move I make is a make-or-break deal. I like how you confuse me, or how you confuse my feelings. I like how this whole set-up is making me think; and I like thinking, you know that quite well.

All these will last until it won't. Your tomorrow might have arrived but perhaps you will eventually realize that tomorrow becomes today once more. I am still in today and I still do not want the day to end. I still want to feel it all; the happiness, the hope, the despair, the anxiety, the inspiration.

I asked him, that guy I told you about, why is it that even if we know some things won't last, we still keep doing it? 

He said I have to find the answer to that myself. You know what, I already did. I just never thought of it that much. I am still unsure how I stand regarding memories. A part of me dislikes the thought of happy moments because it will eventually end up as sad memories. Another part says just let it be, at least you've tried how it's like to lose yourself and be happy.

As of now, I am nervous, confused, hoping, dreading… but all these once-foreign feelings drowning me makes me happy. Overwhelmingly happy. 

I am still human, after all. I can still feel.

Thank you for making me realize that. 

When we finally see each other, I would want to make you happy. In any way I can.

I want to hold your hand. I want to cook you lunch. I want to massage your back. I want to listen to your stories. I want to lay with you on the grass---or on a bed, it's up to you---not talking but just listening to each other breathe. I want to make you feel like you're the most special boy in the world.

I want to kiss you.