Always

When I was seven, I heard Atlantic Starr’s Always for the first time. It was playing on the radio, and my mom told me to turn up the volume. 

It was her and Dad’s song.

I was just starting to discover music then, and I found the song beautiful.

Years later, around 2003. It was around the year-end holidays, and my uncle bought a videoke machine for our house near the sea. My childhood friends told me to sing a song. I never liked singing in public,c so I thought long and hard about a song to sing. Flipping through the pages of the songbook, I found Always. 

I typed in the number and waited. The music started, and I was on the second stanza when my mom came barging into the room and grabbed the mic from my hand. She scolded me for playing around instead of helping with the chores. I reasoned out, “but this is your and Papang’s song! Let me finish it!” hoping that it would change her mind. Instead, she got angrier and told us to turn the machine off.

I never understood her reaction then. Last night, my auto-shuffled playlist played the song. I haven’t heard it in a loooong time, and I started tearing up. And it hit me why my mom was so upset on the 28th of December 2003.

My dad died in July 2000. It has only been three years since he was gone, and it must have been very painful for her to hear a song that reminds her of him. She still cries whenever we talk about my dad. I couldn’t blame her. There’s no one else like him.

It reminded me of another story my mom told me. Of her telling my dad to get a second wife. They have a common friend who was unmarried, and my mom volunteered my dad as a tribute. They had a huge fight then, with my dad sulking and telling her, “Why are you giving me away?”. Lol. I remember my mom laughing when she told me that story the first time. I asked her why she would do such a thing. She said “being selfless is the way of Islam.”

Now that I’m older, I think that more than being selfless, my mom felt comfortable with the thought because she is sure of my dad’s love for her. 

Crazy woman. 

Now my dad is gone, and she is alone. And she can’t listen to Always without crying. 

Hi, Pang. How are you? This year would have been your thirtieth wedding anniversary with mom.

You left so soon. I don’t miss you every day. But when I do, I miss you badly. Today is one of those days. Happy birthday.