Letters to K

April 23

I wrote this beforehand because I was supposed to read this out loud. But I guess this is okay too. Promise me that no matter what happens you will finish reading this now.

I am so scared right now. I think… I think that I like you. I mean, I do like you as a person. But I might like you more than I actually intended to. I realized this last night after I spent a day with you when you were sober. You always make fun of me because I told you once that I prefer you when you’re drunk. But that’s because you are always so intense when you’re sober. Drunk Konni is chill, laidback Konni and sober Konni is deep, passionate, and at times, extremely jaded. We only ever talk about religion and philosophy and politics when you’re sober but yesterday, we were just quiet together and I realize that I am now comfortable even with your sober self.

I feel the need to tell you about this. I asked you yesterday whether you like me. I must have caught you off-guard. You know what I meant but you did not answer the question. I want you to answer honestly this time.

You see, the other night, when we were drunk and I said I remember things in patches? People came up to me to tell me to take care of you. I asked why and they said because you like me. And because I like you. And I don’t know how these people see that. But maybe it’s because you are an idiot and I’m a dickhead which is why we choose to be blind to it?

When you were drunk last time, you kissed me. On my cheek, many times. Maybe that’s what the “weird when we’re together” that Desiree is saying. Because when you’re sober you are always so careful. And I appreciate that I really do. Last Friday night, I kissed you back. On the cheek. I was only reminded of it when Angela told me about it.

I am telling you this because do you remember the Danish I mentioned before. I met him last December. Before I got to know you more. He was nice. We talk over WhatsApp. We were just casually talking and flirting. Until you came into the picture. Three weeks ago, we agreed that we will be a couple. Even if we don’t see each other that much. I asked him to be my boyfriend because we like each other.

But now, I am confused about what I feel about you. At one point I was scared to like you more than I intend to. And to be honest, I still am. You are still in the process of healing yourself and I don’t want to get hurt too. I asked him to be my boyfriend because I don’t want to like you more than I am supposed to.

But I still did. And this is why I’m saying this. Jan, even though he did not make my heartbeat race, still made me happy. Even though he can be annoying and boring, he was patient. He listened to me. He told me he likes me. And even though I could not like him like how much I want to like him, it hurts my heart to see him get hurt.

At this point, I am hoping that he is still not in love with me. He is still as annoying as he was back when we first met but I believe he deserves to know what I feel right now. He was honest about his feelings and I want to give him the same level of respect by being honest about my feelings as well.

I told you that I will be out of Bradford this weekend. You asked me where I was going and I always found ways to avoid the question? Actually, this weekend, I am going to Denmark. I am going to Denmark to see him after not seeing him for a while. And I don’t know… I might also be going to Denmark to break up with him. It depends. In as much as I want to keep what I have with him, I don’t want to be unfair. I don’t want to lead him on and keep this idea of us being together when the truth is, I like someone else more.

But I am also scared. I am scared of what will happen after this letter. I am scared of many things. I am scared of saying this and I am scared of hearing your answer. But that is one thing I have to conquer right now. I have to get over this first before I can face him.

I am scared. But I also think I should allow myself to be a little more selfish. I don’t want to lose him for nothing.

I ask you for the last time, do you like me like how I like you?

July 23

You have experienced this before which is why you might feel resigned. I haven’t. I want to enjoy this; immerse myself in the moment, and savor each second because chances are it may be my last.



Remember when you said that falling in love gets harder each time? It is true. It gets harder because I try to guard myself stronger the next time around. Build more walls, raise them higher. It is difficult to put your guard down. And this time, I am willingly putting it down. Even though it makes me want to throw up thinking of the fact that I am swallowing my pride each time. But that is but a fair price in exchange for an emotional moment.



You told me before I was too rational. The truth is, I have to be like that. I need to be like that to protect myself. Because if I don’t rationalize things, I will get carried away. And I will get hurt. 

I like you. I know I will eventually lose you. But until that moment comes, I will immerse myself with the feeling of liking you. So at least, at some point, I can say that I liked someone enough to actually stand for what I feel.



The only way for this to disappear is if I can find a way to stop liking you. At one point I thought I finally managed to. But then it came back stronger.



You can try pushing me away but I will still probably like you. As much as I want to stop it, I can’t. I will like you until I won’t. And until then, I will not fight the feeling.

August 9

Hello, grumpy person. Do you not like yourself today? 

I like you. I love the person that you are. You are funny sometimes, grumpy often, and adorable almost always. You can be too much to handle at times and you also scare me. And yet I am still dipping my toes into your pool. 

You are too much to handle whenever you think that you are not enough. When you think you are annoying and when you go into the episode of hating yourself. It is too much because it appalls me how someone I like so much cannot like himself. You have no idea how I am so proud of you. I even tell about you to my friends. 

You’ve been very honest about your insecurities and scars and I don’t care about them. They are part of you. They are pieces of yourself that make you beautiful. When you feel fat or ugly or insufficient, it pisses the hell out of me because I feel exactly the same and yet I don’t say it out loud because I am scared of people agreeing to it. It appalls me sometimes because you are not any of those. And even when you are, I still love you anyway. 

When I told you that you have winter inside you, I meant that. But I have also seen your summer and they are equally as beautiful. I have winter inside me too. I am just not brave enough to show it. I am scared that showing people that will push them away. Because it will push them away. I may never know whether you showing me your negative sides is you being brave or you pushing me away but either way, I am here to stay. You just have to get used to it.

I wanted to think of a way for me to call it over. A tipping point that will make me want to turn away. I can’t think of nothing except that which scares me. That you won’t like me anymore. I get scared when I think that I displease you or that I have disappointed you. Because right now, what I wanted to do is be with you. I don’t even know why I am so brave in saying this. I used to say that love is for the brave. I still do. And maybe the reason why it has been so elusive is because I’ve never been brave enough to run after it. I give up and let go easily which was why I contented myself with the thought that it’s fine to age alone. Of course, things have changed recently. I am doing things that I never thought I’ll do. Swallowing my pride, running after a person, voicing out my thoughts, among others. It seems that I’ve become brave. Or maybe reckless. I don’t care anymore.

All I know is that somehow I think I’m doing something right. Because I get to hang out with you. Even though what we have right now is something I cannot even aptly define, I am happy. That even if everything is uncertain, I hold on to the thought that everything will fall into place somehow. Even though sometimes I feel insecure and I question my actions, just seeing your stupid face makes me believe it’s worth it.

Don’t feel unhappy with yourself today, or any other day, okay?



August 15

I don’t want to end the day with me feeling bad and not being able to talk to you about it.

First, sorry that I have to write this. As you may have noticed by now, I express better when I write. I am also not as comfortable speaking my thoughts out loud as when I put it on paper (or phone).

I just want to say that recently I’ve been feeling a bit off. Must be the hormones. I can say that the time of the month is coming.

But on another note, I also felt that recently I’m becoming a burden.

It is strange that I am starting to become like the people I once scoffed at. I used to think that people who say “I feel like I’m a burden” actually become one because they keep saying it. I never thought that I would be in the same situation. I told you before that I don’t like being a burden but this time around, I really actually feel that I am one.

For one, I refer emotional outbursts as burdensome things. I’ve been rather in touch with my emotions recently and these are very new to me. As such, I do not know how to deal with them. Having you in the picture makes things complicated because, as I unconsciously gravitate toward you, I find myself sharing these emotional upheavals with you. As a result, you become an emotional punching bag for me.

I don’t rant that much and, as much as possible, I avoid being negative around people. However, I notice that I cry easily around you. No. The more accurate statement is, I allow you to see me cry. I don’t cry in front of strangers. My closest friends can count with one hand the number of times they’ve seen me cry. My family will say that I am not a crybaby. Interestingly, I’ve cried more times with you in a month than I had in the whole year. It is strange but your presence makes me feel secure which is why I cry around you.

It is strange and it scares me upon realising that not only do I not consider you a stranger, I have allowed myself to be weak around you. It is scary for me because I am not used being weak. Being weak around people means I have to depend on them for strength. I have put my guard down and the walls that I’ve built are now slowly getting eroded bit by bit. I am opening up myself to you. And I guess the reason why I am getting scared now is because there are only few remaining walls left. The more I open myself, the more vulnerable I become, the heavier of a burden I become.

It makes me sad too.

It makes me sad that the closer we get together, the more I think of myself as a burden. I thought this over: how does someone become a burden? And I figured, I become a burden when I do not reciprocate things. I am sharing you my troubles and it appeases me. And yet, I cannot do the same for you. I don’t know if am someone you think you can depend on. It bothers me that I am the one depending instead of the one people depend on. This is why I try to make myself ‘useful’ in small ways to repay you. I make you coffee; I share you my food; I give you massages. Just to compensate. I feel insufficient. I am not used to feeling this way and this is probably what makes me emotional.


I just want to let you know.

August 22

Remember when I asked whether two insecure people can be together? I asked because I am scared. I am scared of many things. For now, I am scared that I am trying to fill up a bucket with a hole. I’m scared that I am on my way to the greatest heartbreak of my life. I’m scared that it might not be a heartbreak but a drifting apart. I am scared that whatever I feel right now: the joy, the excitement, the pain, will eventually disappear and leave me as blank and cold as I was before I got here.

I am scared that I am not good for you. I told you I find it easier to let go than hold on. And recently I am starting to feel the weight on my shoulders. But then I realized that the fears are only as strong as my willingness to fight. The more I hold on, the more I feel scared. Like how a candle burns itself up, the flame will last the same time as the wax. I have the option to blow out the flame but that also means the candle loses its value to give light.

I am scared that your words will end up being true. That I will eventually leave you because I will get tired. Because you are not ready.

But then who is actually ready? I am not. I dove headfirst in a moment of enthusiasm and now it’s too late to go back. It’s up to me to try to swim to the shore or give up and drown.

I realized that being good enough for someone is not something that is there by default. It is something someone must strive for.

Am I good enough for you? I am not sure. But I don’t want you to be another “what if”. I will give my all so that when it ends, if it ends, I can say that I don’t have any regrets.

September 25

This is my last letter.

I know I have so much to say but I can’t say it out loud. I think I told you this before. The more thoughts and words needed letting out, the more I find it hard to say them out loud.

Right now, I feel nothing.

I am unable to feel anything. Not happiness. Not sadness. Not anything. This is your constant state, isn’t it? This started last week. I was not feeling very well. But I know I will get over it. I was always looking forward to getting over it because that meant I will be able to feel happy again. I will be able to enjoy the emotions I feel when I am with you.

But here I am, still unable to feel anything.

Three nights ago, one of my friends, the one who followed you in Instagram, sent me a message. She asked if something happened between us because you posted something about being single. I told her that nothing happened and you are single. I am single. There is no lie there. She then asked me was I not bothered about it. I said no. She said okay but does not seem that convinced. Said she was bothered herself.

I did not understand what she meant and I felt annoyed even that someone is assuming how I should feel. But then I am currently in my ’zen mode’. The time when I don’t really give a flying fuck about everything.

But somehow her words made me think. Why was I not bothered? I should have been hurt, right? After all, wasn’t I invested in this? Even though you never really were? Shouldn’t I be hurt because, time and time again, you show that you do not care? You basically just repeated what you have been saying before and what you keep reminding me of… that there is nothing going to come out of this except me getting hurt.

But I was not hurt. I felt no pain.

What I felt was as if someone doused me with cold water. People always use the phrase “a slap of reality”. I don’t think reality slaps all the time. Sometimes you just keep doing what you do and then you realise that you are not looking at things with rose-tinted glasses anymore.

At that moment, all of the things that you are came crashing down. Your flaws that I knew all along were clearer. And I found myself not putting up excuses on your behalf. You said you are spiteful. You’re not. You’re self-centred. It is funny because you are not even aware that you are self-centred, but I guess that’s exactly how self-centredness goes.

I remember some concerned people looking at me with pitiful looks. And I respond with an optimist smile because I was determined. I was determined to love you. To the point that I lost my respect for myself.

When you told me you do not want to hurt me, I told you that was the least of your concerns. Because it is true. I am used to getting hurt. But you know what I am not used to? Swallowing my pride and forgetting my worth. And that is what you made me feel. That is what you made me think about myself.

It happens every time we talk and you only talk about yourself. When I tell stories that matter to me and you do not listen. The fact that you did not know exactly what to do in the past three days shows that you do not really care. Because if you cared enough to understand and look properly at me, you will have an idea what to do. You are the person I spent most of my time here and yet you are the one who seem so confused about me the most. And that was when I got it. It is because you were never really there. You cannot really fully care. Because you are broken. And because of that you are a walking menace to everything. It’s as if being broken grants you the right to break other things as well. And that you only say “I did warn you” to make yourself less guilty about it. Instead of actually fixing yourself or letting others help you get fixed, you just throw the “I’m a hazard to everybody” so that you can feel good about yourself when you hurt others because you’ve warned them enough anyway. And that will also grant you a free pass to blame them for giving up and for not trying hard enough.

I knew that from the start. I understood that.

What I just do not understand is why you have to keep reminding me and pushing me away? One reminder would have been enough. And maybe trying a little? Why can you not wait a few more weeks until when you leave? That would have been easier, wouldn’t it? Because by then we are separated by time and space and forgetting will be easier. I do not understand why someone has to continuously remind me that I am not wanted. You kept pushing me away. You keep telling me that this is not going to work and now I believe it. You made me believe it. Congratulations.

You always compare me to your ex-girlfriends. You don’t say it out loud but your actions speak for yourself. After this you would probably think of what happened based on how it will fit you. That I promised and then I eventually broke that promise. That you are right all along. That people will eventually leave you. You will not see that you pushed people away. You pushed me away, Konstantin. But yes, maybe in a way you’re right that I am just like your ex girlfriends who left you. But you know what makes me different? I tried. I tried so hard to hold on. And yet you pushed me away. I fought hard but even the bravest hearts get tired.

I do not know anymore.

It’s funny. As I am writing this, I am still thinking about how you might feel.

“Shall I write honestly? Yes, I should. But what if it hurts Konni?”

This thought keeps repeating over and over.

it’s funny how even at this point when I have said that I have given up, I still think about what you may feel.

I have really lost my respect for myself.
I don’t know how to end this letter.

September 28

I’m sorry that I call you names a lot. It’s an unhealthy habit I know. I tried figuring out why I do it and I incurred that it is my way of trying to taper down what I feel about you. I never really grew up being showered with affection. As a result, I am rather awkward and uncomfortable with it. I am an affectionate person, it seems, but somehow my upbringing catches up on me and I gag at the thought of me being affectionate as corny or cheesy. I feel that when I am affectionate, I get judged.

Recently, as I slowly open up to you, I notice myself starting to get accustomed with this feeling. Remember when I said it is hard for me to demonstrate my feelings? I think it’s partly because I used to think that feelings and emotions are petty things that should be discarded. Of course that was a stupid idea. It is only when one opens itself to emotions that one is able to fully feel. And with opening up comes the promise of happiness and of pain.

When I hit you or tease you or call you names, it is myself trying to hold back for fear of drowning you with what I feel. The emotions can be intense and it scares me that you will be put off by it. I can only write when I bare my soul because that is easier. It is when I cannot see what your reaction would be that calms my worries, even though it also works to dull the joy.

All I ask is for you to hold my hand when this happens and tell me that it is okay. Because I want to be affectionate with you. Because I love you. *insert gagging noise*

Promise me that you won’t act like you don’t like me unless you are fully sure that you don’t like me. I wanted to enjoy a lot of emotions with you. I want to enjoy the feeling of getting please and annoyed with you. I wanted to laugh and cry with you. Grant me the permission to feel all these.

You don’t like me anymore and when you found someone I am sure can love you better than I do. It will hurt but I can get over it. But for now, I am hoping that eventually things will be fine.

December 7

Last summer I have been feeling.

Now, I have been thinking. I think more than what I feel and this may not be the best thing for you.

You joke around on serious things. You cannot distinguish which needs joking and which does not. I cannot demand you to step up because that is something you find difficult. And I don’t like demanding people. I can only demand myself. And what I want myself to know is that I should not settle for less.

I need to keep repeating this over and over. Do not settle for less. I deserve more. I deserve people who take me seriously. I deserve people who I will need more than they will need me. I deserve to be happy and free from pain.

If you can’t give me that, leave.

December 25

Today was interesting. We slept half the day and then decided to leave the house and walk half of Aberdeen because there are no buses around. We walked all the way to Fittie and spent at least an hour looking for an open restaurant.

You told me you enjoyed this day. I did too. So much.

And like the dumb person that I was, I turned a perfectly nice day into a dramatic one. There were lots of tears and I think my heart broke for 1000th time. Just when I thought it can’t possibly break anymore. But like I said, it hurt because I still care about you. It’s strange. It seems that I have an endless supply of tears when it comes to you. While I was crying, I was also really scared. That you will get upset and that you will not talk to me. But you still did. And I am grateful for that. I am grateful that you listened, even though you’ve heard and seen me cry about this many times before. I am grateful that you did not leave me. Maybe this is why I just can’t give up on you. No matter how difficult it gets. No matter what people say.

I can’t give up on you because I don’t want to and because I just can’t.

I still enjoy this day. And I still like you so much.

This “thing” that we have, who knows when it ends or what will happen to it eventually. It scares me, the thought that it will end. I don’t want it to end. Because it makes me happy. Even though it hurts sometimes.

But I guess that’s what love is. It isn’t supposed to be easy. But it’s supposed to make us happy. Like I said, it doesn’t grow on trees, it doesn’t come for free. It is what we make it.

Dec 26

We stayed at the house the entire day. Being our lazy and fat selves. I like this day. We watched a movie and we talked about our differences. We are indeed very different. Strangely enough, I still run to you.

I’ve done a lot of things with you. I have invested a lot. I don’t think I can do this to somebody else. All these things that I’ve learned about you should not be useless.

There is the sunk-cost fallacy. I don’t believe that. We learn from everything. I learned a lot from past heartbreaks. I’m not going to repeat that with you. I’ll hold on.

We are different. I have never hang out with a person as different as you.

Dec 27

Today we went around Old Aberdeen. Walked at the park, crossed a road, and then went back to shop at ASDA. Like little kids lost in a big toy park.

It’s 2:15 in the morning. You are asleep on your side of the bed. I am near but I don’t hug or cuddle you. I don’t find the need to do so. And it made me think. Do I like you less now? Is the fire I told you about burning low? Am I getting tired of you?

I thought about it for a few minutes. But as quickly as the thought came, it disappeared right away. It’s strange that as I reassessed what I feel about you, another thought popped up. It’s the thought of spending my life with you. It’s strange. I realized that I still want to marry you. I still want to be with you. I still want to wake up each day seeing your stupid face. And surprisingly, the knowledge that we will be separated by time and distance after January 5 makes the thought stronger. You mentioned many times how the uncertainty scared you. And it scares me too. Just that tonight, I feel so brave. I can’t even explain it. Somehow, I know that this is going to work. That we are going to make it work. I actually refuse to say the word “work”. It makes it seem that we are going to take on a laborious task. And who knows, it might be a laborious task. Missing you may be something I have to struggle with. But then again, distance will only make my heart grow fonder. You had your long distance relationships and you said you know it just doesn’t work. But I’m not a helpless girl tied to her country. I am free and I am strong. I may not have much but I can go to you. I love my people and I know my purpose in life is to help my community but that is not mutually exclusive to being with you.

You may not know it by now but you are a free spirit. You can’t be tied too. You’d want to roam. And that’s okay. We are both destined to go where the wind takes us. But that doesn’t mean we have to drift.

Day 28

It’s a long bus ride to Glasgow. We’ve been around each other 24/7 for one week now. I asked you whether you’ve grown tired of me.

Sushi. Old department stores.

Day 29

Kelvingrove Park. Museum and art gallery. Thai food. I asked you to marry me in July. It’s almost half a year now and that still hasn’t changed.

Day 30

Today while walking along Buchanan Street, the street musician belted a song and I cried. I was walking alone up towards the end of the street when it happened. I cried not because I was sad or lonely but because I had one of the most intense epiphanies I’ve ever had.

It is the realization that I have been doing things alone for most of my life. I’ve technically been alone for half my life now. I have experienced so many things alone. I have felt all the emotions I have ever felt alone: happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, etc. I am so familiar with being alone that I am comfortable with it. The thought that I am capable of being alone and I can be alone was so liberating and touching at the same.

Day 31



If my life is a book, will you be a chapter or a section? I was thinking of this while I’m eating miso soup. I think you’ll be a section. But there will be a really long annotated text near your part.

I cried a lot today. I cried because you were upset and then I cried some more because I can’t believe I’m crying over the fact that you’re upset.

And then at some point in the evening, we both cried. Were we crying for the same reason? I was crying because for a moment I thought that this will be the last time. Surely not because of me. Because I want this to continue. I want this to go on. You said I am not making it easy. At one point I don’t understand. Because for me, the only thing that we should do is to choose. To choose each other and to choose to be together. And for me, it’s easy. I can choose you.

But then again, the decision to do so is not only mine to do. You get to say what you want to. And you have always been consistent with your answers anyway. That you are not ready and that nothing is going to happen. And I think that conviction that you have is what made me cry. The idea that you are so sure that nothing will happen hurts. Because this is beautiful and yet this will be the last. So I cried. But why do you have to cry too? Don’t cry. It makes me think that you are not sure. And that wavering of your resolve makes me hope.

January 1

This is the best new year I’ve had. The weirdest too. Crying and laughing and crying. Climbing a volcano. Peeing at the side. Watching Edinburgh from afar. Seeing a proposal (of two german kids lol) and taking a picture of it. Walking back home.

I am glad to start the year with you.

January 2

I feel calm. Even after that car rental debacle. Driving to the north of Scotland.

I like today. Today was a test of patience and a test of friendship. That is what I like most about today. Today you are my best friend. I felt the friendship and companionship strongly, unassuming and calm.

Friendship is a warm hug. It does not demand and it does not expect. Friendship is loyal too. It is knowing that someone will be there for you and that they will accept you the same way that you accept them. It does not impose anything. It does not pressure. Unlike typical romantic relationships where it feels like you are bound to each other and that failure to do your part means end of a relationship, friendship is different. A true friend will not get mad at you if you do not have time for her or him. Because s/he understands that your world does not revolve on your friendship alone. But then when you want to share, a friend will be there to listen and share your happiness.

I have this theory that couples who fail are those who forget that they are friends first. Or that they should at least be friends. When you get into this mindset that someone special to you should always be tied to you, you both restrict each other. And you cannot grow. A mature relationship encourages the other to grow. And that is why it needs a strong friendship as a base. Friendship, unlike romantic love, isn’t blind. It sees the flaws and still it understands.

Today you felt more like a friend rather than someone that I like and who likes me back which is why they put up with my shit. Today I felt that we do accept each other, despite our differences. And there’s a lot of them!

Thank you for being a good friend. :)

Jan 3

How are we so lazy? Hahaha! We drove from Loch Ness to Glencoe. We were supposed to wake up early but, as usual, didn’t because we ended up just cuddling. Nonetheless, it was a nice day. We passed by a waterfall, took a quick hike through the woods, went to Glenfinnan, and climbed up a mountain. Perhaps the highlight of this day is how we basically just peed everywhere.

Speaking of peeing and all things expectedly disgusting, you asked why do I laugh when you fart. I thought about it while I was in the bathroom. I figured it’s because you’ve told me gazillion times how you are so sensitive about it. That it is against your core principles to fart in front of anyone. That you never even farted in front of your ex-girlfriends. It is strange, to measure the depth of our relationship with farting, but it does make sense somehow. For me, it means that you have opened up so much to me. Remember when you told me last time that you cannot open up, cannot be responsible for other people, and cannot be there all the time. You have already done all those with me. And I have also done the same with you.

These past few days that we are together have changed us. And we both know it. We have become so alike it’s almost scary. Sometimes, I wonder, is this the part where we are stocking up on memories because we may not be able to make more for months or even years? Perhaps. Perhaps we both have that in mind, whether we are aware or not.

336 hours straight of being with you and I still like you just the same.

Jan 4

Today is the last day.

I enjoyed each and every second I spend with you. Gosh. Writing this is making me cry. Haha.

I love you.

January 15

Distance really has a way of clearing the mind. Now that I am far, I can look back and see the bigger picture. I found it strange how I can see the flaws clearly now that I have stepped back compared to when I was close. But I guess that’s how it works when flaws are very large. When you are closer, you don’t notice them. But when you are at a distance, that’s when you realize that the space you though was the picture is actually the flaw in itself.

You have so many flaws. We are very different. As I think of the future I will have with you, all I could think of are the difficulties. Of course I am always the person who spots the difficulties. Troubleshooter that I am. I need to be that way so I will know what to fix later on. But with you, there are so many difficulties. It’s amazing and interesting at the same time how all of the reasons why we will not work is showing up.

Who knows? I might be wrong. But wow, I think I am undergoing a change of heart.

If you would remember me someday, I want you to remember the things that were ordinary.

Not the time I prepared a cake for your birthday nor that night I refused to sleep just so I can help you finish your dissertation.

If you would remember me, I want you to remember the days that are not special.

The days when I made you coffee every morning, the times I will knock on your room just to hang out, the nights when I will purposely fall asleep on your bed while you write your papers.

Remember the days I cooked meals for two so I can share them with you, remember the nights I will bug you because I want to be with you.

If you would remember me, I prefer not to be remembered as the girl you liked but as the girl who liked you when you did not even like yourself.

I want to be remembered as the girl who cried over ketchup and laughed about farting. I want to be remembered as the girl who loved and lost.

Even before, I have already prepared myself for a heartbreak. Do not love me for it is now too late. Just do not forget the moments when loving you is all I did.

February 15

Today I was in the office and I spent the entire day surfing the net. I am horrible. Hahaha. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to respond last night. You’re right, it was Valentine’s Day when we first hung out together. It’s so cheesy haha but I like it somehow :3 That makes it memorable. I think that was actually the first Valentine’s Day that I spent alone with a boy. Yikes hahaha

I like you still.

February 16

Hello, Konni. Recently I have a lot of new ideas. When I have new ideas, I get really excited and I want to share it to the closest people that I know who share the same interests. Back then, my immediate confidantes are Hope, Carla (the girl who slept on your couch), and Drew (the one I talked to for an hour over phone). Now, I think of you right away.

I may come off very opinionated and willing to discuss but I usually limit the people who I allow to listen to my ideas. I really want to share my ideas with you. But I am scared of being let down. I know you have a lot of ideas too and your interests are different from mine. I notice sometimes that when I tell you something exciting, I do not get the same enthusiasm back. Of course I cannot fault you if you do not share the same passion that I have. After all, we are different people.

This is why I am trying to train myself how to limit my enthusiasm with you. That way, I don’t get disheartened when you do not respond like how I would expect. Now that I’m writing this, I realized how much effort it actually takes to keep our friendship/relationship. But I want to keep you which is why I am trying hard. Haha, I am tearing up now that I am writing this. I like you and I promised that I will always be honest to you about what I feel.

I cried when I read your message that “we’ll work things out”. But it’s not the kind of crying that hurts. I felt relieved and assured. Like burden was lifted off. Your words have that kind of effect.

So yes, we’ll work things out. And things are going to work out fine. I’ll trust you.

I miss you already.

February 17

Today was awesome! I woke up at 6, fixed my bed, did some sit-ups, and then transferred to my grandma’s room and fell asleep again. Haha! I woke up around 10 and then I did laundry.

I did laundry by the well. Picture me carrying a big-ass basin and then I washed my clothes by hand. Afterwards, I hung them all up on a clothesline. Of course, I can do the laundry by machine but I missed the old times. I then helped cooked lunch. We cook launch using firewood. It has been a while since I last tried cooking by firewood so I got all excited when I was doing it.

In the afternoon, I laid down by the hammock and then I fell asleep! And woke up around 4! And then I took a swim. Hahaha!

I like this day.

But then in the evening I thought of you again. It’s weird. Since January 5, there isn’t a day that passed that I did not think of you. Wow. I can’t believe I like you this much. You are actually breaking records. Teehee.

I miss you. Tomorrow I’m going back to the city so I can send you a message.

I was waiting for the day I can actually say this and hear the proper response.



February 24

One of the feelings I hate the most is being disappointed. It is when what I expect does not happen. Of course, I don’t put expectations easily. That’s why I ask. What is the purpose of something. To be clear. So I know what and what not to expect.

My chest hurts.

There are days when I just feel really uneasy and anxious. Like to the point where I cannot breathe.

Konni, I know talking to me is not a burden because it’s not something you actively think about. But should I ask of you to do so, will it be such?

I just want to know. Are we still dating or are we just friends now? Are we wasting time on each other? Because somehow I am hopeful. I did tell you in the email you’re at the back of my mind when I draft my future plans. Like what I’m going to do in the next two to three years.

And then when I realized that, I have to do a double take and reflect. The last time we talked about this, you told me not to hope and not to expect anything. Is that still the case? If yes, I just need you to remind me about that.

I don’t see you right now but my feelings are still there. And generally, distance makes my heart grow fonder. Of course, it would be preferable if I can taper down the emotions so I don’t get hurt everyday.

It’s just that day by day, I like you more than I expected, and now it’s wearing me down. You know when you have this so much affection within you that you just have to show it or else it will drive you crazy? And I can’t show it. For many things. Distance, time difference. I can’t see you when I want to. Can’t even talk when I want to. And now it’s filling me the brim. And it’s making me crazy. And it also hurts.

You know, like when I want to talk because I just want to talk and hear your voice. Even though we only talk about silly things. Because for me, communication is important. But of course, I don’t know if that’s the same to you. So I just want to know your side too.

In conclusion, I just want to know so that I know what to expect.

March 24



You do not love me. But you love the way I love you and the way I make you feel important. You are not ready and it is not your fault.

But I am ready and I think I do deserve the chance to be happy. I deserve to be love and feel loved in return too, don’t you think? The same way that you deserve happiness and peace of mind. At this point that is what you need the most. And at this point, Love is what I need most.

We will always have a special place for each other in our hearts I believe. The time I spent with you will always be one of the happiest days of my life. Sometime in the future I may forget how it actually felt like, but I know I will not forget the memory that you did make me happy.

Thank you for everything and it’s time I let you go. It’s time we let go of each other so we get the happiness we both deserve.

April 4

I have so many thoughts and so many things I want to say to you. But I don’t want to talk to you right now. After all, every time I do, I almost always feel that you don’t want to talk to me either.

I know that you are busy and you have a lot of priorities. After all, you are a person who is trying to build your life right now. I want to be with you and help you at this moment of your life but I always feel that I am a bother to you. Perhaps I am not. You always say I am not. But that is how I feel. And good lord, if only I can stop that feeling I would. Because nobody wants to feel that they are not wanted.

I have always been honest about how you make me happy. I try not to tell you about the many times you break my heart. I do my best not to say it because I don’t want to burden you or stress you or make you feel bad. But I am really broken right now. I break every time I get reminded that I am an option. I break every time I realize that I am not as important to you as how you are to me. And perhaps I am wrong. I would love to be wrong. Except that it is not how I feel. I always try to make myself believe that it is only I who feel that way. But every time I see or hear pity in the eyes and voices of people who can see what is happening, it reinforces the thought. After all, what else does it mean when even those who do not know the whole story can see the pain I go through?

I do not want to pressure you and I want you to be free. I want you to be the best person that you can be. I would love to be there when that happens. But every moment I spend waiting for an answer that will never come, I feel that I am losing myself.

I feel that you are stringing me along. I feel that you only like the idea of me because I’ve lasted this far. You do not really like me. You just like the idea that someone understands you and accepts you for who and what you are. I am happy that I get to be that person for now. But our timing sucks. You are not ready and I am hurting.

No matter how busy I am, I can always make time for you. Because that’s how much I care. Even though it’s past midnight and I need to sleep, I wait for your call because you say so. I trusted you and your words even though I get disappointed time and time again.

I want to believe you try your best. But my faith is faltering in every missed appointment, in every seenzoned message. Perhaps it is not your intention but to me they all scream “you are not important to me”.

Remember when you had a fight with Max and you tried to call me but I was at work? I saw the message late and then I called you right away because you needed me. This happened a long time ago but the memory is coming back. And that’s when I know that it’s getting bad because I’m starting to subconsciously count the times when I felt that I am being shortchanged.

Whenever that happens, even though I feel upset, I suck it up because I understand why it happened. I understand you. I hate that I understand. I wish I don’t. That way I will be free to hate you for making me wait, not saying sorry, and not even knowing what you did wrong.

Every time I get upset, I have to always stop myself from doing so because I know it will affect you negatively. I feel like I am not even allowed to get upset because I will end up hurting you.

I love you. You know I do. But I am dying. I am breaking. And I am tired. I am so, so tired I surprise myself why I am still holding on. I want to pull away but I know I cannot really do so. And I cannot and I will not force you to decide because you are not ready to. I hate how timing fucking sucks.

So I will just have to rest. Can you please give me a time to rest? For a couple of days. Maybe weeks. I just want to rest from crying every night because I’m giving too much and I feel that I receive too less. I just need to rest for a while.

I kept reminding you to pull me back every time I feel like pulling away. I am pulling away now. I will pull away softly so none of us get hurt so bad. Maybe it was a big mistake for me to force this. Maybe I deluded myself too much for thinking that you are the one for me. You are not ready. You will not be ready in the next few weeks or months or years. You will only be ready when you are. When you met the one person you will decide to be the one for you. And maybe it’s time I stop believing that I am that person. It will hurt like hell—heck, it hurts even thinking about it now—but I have to be prepared.

Before I met you, I always have myself to run to. I do not find the need to speak to somebody, to share my success, or vent my frustrations, or even the simple joys of talking about the daily nothings. But you came and I was happy. And I thank you for that. But I can’t depend my happiness on you. Not when I cannot even be a source of happiness for you.

I need time. I cannot give myself to a person who is just starting to live his life alone. It would be unfair for the both of us. I feel that if we let this on, we will only be hurting each other. I love you, Konni. I guess it’s time to say that now. I don’t know if you feel the same or if you ever really did, but I just want you to know that I do. Hopefully someday I’ll be able to un-love you.

Right now, I just needed time to think. I gave up so much of myself to keep you and I need to find myself again.

I really wanted to talk to you and talk you through about this but we do not have the luxury of time. You have your priorities and I cannot let my life be on a standstill just to wait for you to get done.

I still have so much to say but I think this is enough for now.