You did well. Thank you. Goodbye.

I was in Seville, Spain when I heard the news of Jonghyun’s passing. Kim Jonghyun of SHINee. A band I never followed but was somehow always within my line of sight because they are of the same company as the group I liked. Jonghyun, a person I never followed but have always been a constant presence to me with all the good deeds he has done. I was in the middle of the street and I broke down. I cried and cried and stood rooted on the spot for an hour but the pain will not go away.

I cried myself to sleep for three days. I never thought this will affect me so much. Somehow it's not just about Jonghyun but it is also because it is him. It is Jonghyun and everything he stands for. It is as if light has been snuffed out and something has punctured my soul and now all the darkness I've been keeping in is coming out. I tried to rationalise why am I so bothered. I thought it over and over again and I concluded that it is not because of his death but of how he died.

He is the last person I was expecting to do this. My brain still can’t wrap my head around what happened. I did not see this coming. He is a good person. He is a brave person. He is a fighter. He was the last person you could think of who will leave this way. And yet he did.


Jonghyun is a good person. He speaks out for minorities, is always honest about his mistakes, and does his best to make up for them. He wrote songs that sing about better days and holding on and yet we lost him. He was so brave. Even in death, he is brave. He did not let go because he is scared. He let go because he is tired. He was a man who carried the whole universe on his shoulders. Now, he's one with it.

Mental illness is a tough battle and we are all foot soldiers. But Jonghyun... he is a general. He was the one who keeps telling people to "hold on". To see him lay down his arms and surrender. It's too painful…

After his body was laid to rest, I sort of found closure to what has happened. That perhaps the reason why I was so affected despite not being a Shawol was because I saw in him a reflection of the battles I have faced but I have kept on ignoring. I am always happy and smiley and cheerful. The great cheerleader, a friend once said. It is this persona I have been so used to that I thought those times when I feel so empty and go through each day laboriously is just me being “bored”. That those times I no longer see the sense to live and actually get excited at the idea of dying may be a sign that I am having mental problems. The fact that Jonghyun’s death tapped something inside me that I never thought was there made me realize that I may have been unconsciously rejecting the fact that I may be suffering from depression.

I spent a lot of hours reflecting about myself. I know that there are a lot of us who feel the same way. So to you who are reading this, I write this.

My dear friend, you are loved. You are loved, you are loved, you are loved. That even if this love does not manifest at times, that even if you can see it but its warmth does not reach out to touch you, it is there. You are loved. You are loved and you are blessed. You are not perfect. You will commit mistakes. Please tell yourself and make yourself believe that it is okay. At the end of the day, our own selves are the harshest critics but please, when you feel that you are too hard on yourself, remember that you can always choose to love yourself.

The wind, the trees, the birds, the sea... the world is such a beautiful place. There are so many things to see, so many food to eat, so many people to meet. Sometimes it’s better to pour your heart out on a stranger. Just like what I’m doing now.

No matter how difficult it gets, don’t forget to breathe.

Remember that there are people looking out for you. Remember that there are people who think of you as a wall they can lean on. The burden may be heavy but if this is the burden that will keep you rooted to the ground, please remember it. You can rest if you’re tired. But please, don’t forget to breathe. 

I wish you will heal. I wish you will let go of everything that bogs you down. I would be grateful if you are able to win this. To stand victorious. But I would not blame you too if you lose. Because this is a tough battle. I only pray that you do not lose. You are a warrior. You are your own warrior. You are our warrior. We are all fighting this battle and to lose one soldier will break the ranks. 

Hold on to the promise of a better day. Reach out for a better day. If you feel that things are getting worse and that you cannot control yourself, hug the person closest to your heart.

And to you Jjong, you worked hard. You did well. You will never be forgotten. Thank you and farewell.