I spent the eve of my 30th birthday at the gym.
I have an interesting relationship with my birthday. You see, I never looked forward to it. Partly because it is nothing more but a day to mark another year added to my age. My family does not celebrate it like the others either. No cakes, no balloons, no birthday money. Instead, my grandma will simply buy one tub of ice cream or cook us pansit for lunch.
It does not help that my birthday falls before the start of the school year. There had only been two occasions when I spent my birthday on the first day of school. Both of which are uneventful.
I did notice though that my milestone birthdays are always spent in an interesting way. Some others are simply a bit more remarkable to be forgotten.
When I was 18, I spent my birthday crying. I felt so miserable the entire day my mom (who hates the idea of the internet) gave me money so I can ‘go cool down’ at an internet cafe.
My 20th birthday was in Myanmar. Still fresh from university graduation, I’ve only been there for a few weeks so the staff still do not know a lot about me. They found out about my birthday at around 4 in the afternoon and it prompted an impromptu birthday dinner in the house with noodles and other food from the market. That birthday was remarkable because my monkey of a best friend did not send me a birthday greeting. On the other hand, my grandma sent me her first SMS birthday message saying that she misses and loves me (which, if you know my grandma, is something that is very out-of-character for her). So of course, it made me really anxious.
When I turned 21, I spent the day at a rebel camp in the mountains of Guindulungan. I had a couple of pastil for lunch that day. My teammates did not know that it was my birthday and it didn’t matter. For a moment birthdays no longer seem like something about me. Rather, it’s more about celebrating what I do. At that moment, as I was talking to the commander of the camp, I felt an unfamiliar but warm sense of pride. For a while, it felt like I had an out-of-body experience and I was witnessing a little girl talking to a grown man. I was technically an adult but I still felt very much like a child. It would take a few years before I will get used to that feeling.
Twenty-four was in Indonesia. It was the culmination of the Darmasiswa Cultural Exchange program. We had fun the entire day. I remember eating gado-gado in the streets of Jogjakarta. I made a wayang, planted a tree, and designed a batik scarf. Nobody among my classmates knew it was my birthday. Or maybe some did. But we were just so busy so it slipped our minds. And it was okay because the day was fun.
I was attending a weeklong interreligous dialogue and peace-building conference when I turned 26. Again, I was with the presence of strangers. The head of the secretariat committee had the same birthday so we sang a birthday song for her. I met new people at this conference. I promised to keep in touch with them. We’ve added each other on facebook but we never really talked much afterward. Ah, I also sprained my ankle around this time. I fell on a ditch at a paddy field.
Twenty-seven and twenty-eight are interesting in the sense that I received memorable birthday greetings during these times. For the first one, my friend Min randomly called without knowing it was my birthday. I asked her if she called to greet me and she was so surprised because she didn’t know it was my birthday. Hahaha. 28 was during the height of the presidential elections. High school classmates and college school mates sent their greetings. It was the reunion year. More than that, I love how my officemates surprised me with a big platter of sushi. It was a surprise birthday event. The first one I had. I like the sushi part of it.
My birthdays are usually spent either alone or with strangers. For my 29th birthday, I wanted to be alone. For some reason, I felt really glum the week before it. On the eve of my birthday, I ran away from Bradford. I knew Vico was planning something big. She always does. That’s what she is good at: doing grand things for her friends. I was not in the best mood last year to celebrate my birthday with crowds so I snuck away to Brighton and spent the weekend with Geisha. We had sushi and we went grocery shopping and enjoyed the lovely Southern England summer. I went back when I thought all the hustle is over. But Vico is a never-say-die girl. I knew and I should have realized sooner. Because she and the rest of my friends still managed to throw a surprise birthday party. There were lots of food and all my friends are there. My 29th birthday is the most memorable one for many reasons: (1) I actually celebrated it (2) days after my birthday (3) with what used-to-be strangers that I now consider as my dearest friends. It was my happiest birthday thus far.
The years I turned 22, 23, and 25 were uneventful and, perhaps even, as miserable as my 18th. I don’t even remember what happened back then.
It is perhaps this roller coaster ride that made me look forward to my 30th. This is my strangest birthday. For the first time, I was actually excited for the day. It’s a milestone year, after all. But more than that, I felt fulfilled and I feel hopeful. I believe that I have ‘maxed out’ my twenties. I’ve been through different highs and lows and had forgettable and remarkable birthdays. I’ve done the things that I wanted to do, ate food that I’ve always wished for, been to places that I could only dream of. I have lost things and gained new ones in return. I have grown.
As such, I promise that my thirties will be just the same. Only this time, I’ll be wiser, stronger, and more certain about things.
Ten years ago, I cannot imagine living for longer than five years. I thought I’ll just drop dead someday before I reach thirty. But here I am. Somehow it scares me how enthusiastic I am for my thirties. Usually, when you are excited, you are bound to get disappointed. But I guess that’s part of life. Being excited, getting disappointed, and then coping up so you hope once more. If in my twenties I’ve done all the things I wanted to do, in my thirties I will do the things that I never wanted to but now I have to.
I will save money. I will be healthy. I will not waste a day of my life. I can only look forward to what this decade has to offer. It will probably be another roller coaster but I’ll take it as it is.
As I close the book of the most beautiful moment in my life so far, I could only look back with gratitude. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for being a part of it
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