Today, I am alone...

... and realized how I actually long for solitude. Solitude is when I am left with my thoughts and I do not have to deal with anyone. I can immerse myself in the feeling for as long as I want to. I can listen to music or sing out loud without worrying whether someone would disapprove. I have been so used to this solitude that I now embrace it willingly. Considering how long I have been by myself, I am unsure whether I could stand living with someone all the time. Sure, it is nice to be with the company of people every now and then; but it is hard to beat the experience of a quiet evening with yourself. 

Karlsruhe, 2025

Ang matalinong pagboto ay isang prebilihiyo.

We often speak lowly of so-called 'dumb voters’, mga bobotante, but honestly, it's naive to expect an intelligent vote in a country with poor comprehension levels and a broken education system. 

The notion of “maging matalino ka” is both restrictive and naive. As children, we were indoctrinated with adjectives deemed “suitable” for us: “si (insert name), yung maganda”, “matalino yang bata na yan”, “ah, yung matangkad?”, etc. Often, you're assigned the most outstanding trait you possess and this is reinforced when you get to elementary school. In a classroom, who are usually considered smart? Usually, it’s the top 10 students. That doesn't mean that the rest are dumb; it’s just that they wouldn’t be the first to come to mind when someone asks, “sino mga matalino dito?” So, what group do they belong to if they’re not with the smart bunch? 

They are the average. The Average Filipino. 

Peace Postcards

Ute Kelly, one of the few professors I genuinely admire, invited me to contribute to a project for the 50th anniversary of Peace Studies at the University of Bradford. I managed to send an entry. I had difficulty responding to the prompts right away; so I just wrote what was on my mind, and along the way, I came upon this reflection that I will probably never have had I not joined the project.

In times like this, when the world is in an uproar, I feel funny talking about peace.

On certain days, I find myself poles apart from the idealistic student that I was back in PSID. This is not to say that I now adhere to violence but the last three years have been tumultuous and it made me wonder, “Is peace truly attainable? Is it even real?” After the pandemic, my country was hit by wave after wave of political disasters. Furthermore, world affairs brought incessant news of suffering. As someone working in the field of peace and development, these things affect the work that I do, the place that I live, and the lives of the people whom I love. It is difficult to keep a bright disposition or be hopeful about it. However, if there is one thing I have carried with me from my time in Peace Studies/PSID, it is the thought that while we spend our days worrying about things, we lose the opportunity to be mindful of what is present and worth keeping. Just as how I learned it that anxious afternoon when I was submitting what I believed was a horrible dissertation, I was reminded of it again as I was looking for a photo that I could send as a postcard.

This was taken last February at the little coastal village where I used to spend my pre-school days and long summer breaks. Our hometown always had breathtaking sunsets. I remembered the sound of the waves gently lapping on the shore, the chill of the late afternoon breeze, and the smell of salt in the air… “how peaceful”, I caught myself thinking. Out of the blue, that question was answered.

Perhaps, it is indeed futile to worry about the failures of humanity. Now as I live each day fulfilling my role as a peace worker, I do my best to live with the adage that currently keeps me going but will not burn me out: set aside a time to hope, set aside a time to grieve. Set aside a time to be disappointed but give your best shot each day.

On One of the Most Sensitive Topics on Earth

Today I did something I haven't done in a long time.

I prayed.

Five times. Subuh, Dhuhor, Asr, Maghrib, Isha.

Much to my mom's happiness. Haha. And no, I did not do it because it is Ramadhan. I did it because I just felt like it. Same reason why I started wearing hijab. Because I just felt like it.

I'm quite sure that my reasons may rub off the wrong way for some people. As it does so with my mom. Her usual lines are, "you should not do it just because you want to. That means you are making yourself your own god." 

Like the issue of wearing the hijab, there was a point when I was vehemently against praying for the sake of compliance. Why do all these things? All that matters is you're a good person anyway. I thought that way until, one day, I decided to do them just because.

My mom is, of course, very happy with my new found practice of praying. The thing is, I don’t like following religious traditions just to make people happy. I think it defeats the purpose. My friend, Georgi, said it is not as if I am doing it for that reason anyway. My mom's happiness was simply a side-effect. 

It is, then, in this exchange that I have concluded that I don’t subscribe to one religion.

How can I say that when I wear the hijab and pray five times, one may ask? Here then starts a question that I first asked thirteen years ago.

Faith and religion. What is the difference? 

Buses and late Friday afternoons

Last Friday on our way home from Davao, I saw two Mindanao Star buses along Pagalungan and I felt like crying. 

See, I finished my undergraduate in Davao. It’s a place five hours away from my hometown Cotabato City. And yet from 2002-2009, it felt a lifetime away. It was during these years when bomb explosions were rampant and commuter buses were common targets. Riding one was a gamble of life and death.

I remember the first time I rode the bus to Davao. April 2005. I documented it. Every time I rode a bus, I feared that it would be my last. And so, for the duration of my university life, I would only dare travel back home twice a year: year-end and summer break. I have also taken up the habit of riding vans. I still rode buses, like that time when I joined the MPDC events, but they were mostly nighttime buses. I did not realize that I had developed an irrational fear of riding buses in the daytime until our class went to Cagayan de Oro in 2007 for an activity. We rode the van on our way there. On our way back, the class decided to ride the bus. The day before we departed for home, an explosion rocked Glorietta. Since then, I’ve had anxious thoughts about the bus terminal getting blown up or the bus exploding at some point between Cagayan and Bukidnon. I remember Kim holding up our tickets at the bus station and I could imagine the booth behind her exploding into smithereens. I remember seating beside Kokoi and praying nonstop on the first hour of the ride. It was only when I fell asleep and woke up in Valencia unscathed that the thoughts stopped.

Seeing the Mindanao Star buses, shiny and new, irreverent behemoths traversing the once-deadly Cotabato-Davao road, I felt a lump in my throat and a feeling of thankfulness washed over me. I felt thankful to be alive and to be able to witness this seemingly mundane moment. 

Perhaps my troubles are lost to those who have the luxury of riding their private cars, unperturbed by the dangers the common folks are exposed to in the face of an insecure environment. Looking back, I muse: isn’t it strange that the people who get to decide are those who do not even bear the consequences of their choices?

“But is it really peaceful now? Have we finally achieved peace?” I used to not know how to answer these questions. Not when people are still killing each other in the marshes of Maguindanao. But after last Friday, I think that the next time someone asks me “is this Peace?”, I would let that seventeen-year-old girl who used to be afraid of riding buses answer the question. 

Perhaps, yes. And maybe not fully. But I sincerely believe that where we are now is a step towards the right place. We still have a thousand steps to go. There is still so much to do. And so we tread on.

To my friends who are fighting the good fight, battle on. One day, your buses will come home safely.

The only rule of the Club

I was twelve years old when I joined the Peer Counselor’s Club in high school. To become a member, you are required to go through a three-day workshop wherein you attend different sessions just to learn one sole rule: never EVER give advice to people.

The idea behind the rule is that you should not give advice because you are not in the position of the person. The only thing you can give is insight. Phrases like “if I were you...” or “you should...” are prohibited. Even though you pepper it with “perhaps” or “but only if you want to”. To give advice is to assume that the person is incapable of resolving the problem on her/his own. To give advice is to be arrogant, especially if the person did not explicitly ask for your advice in the first place.

At twelve, I learned that when people tell you stories that bother them, it’s usually because they just want someone to listen. It is not an invitation to run their life. A person may talk to you to intentionally ‘seek’ your advice, but a good peer counselor will help guide the person to find the solution. The guidance is not done in a purposeful statement of options but rather in carefully thought out series of questions that the person needing adviser would answer. The peer counselor’s work is to make the person s/he is helping reflect.

I am reminded of this lifelong lesson once more today. When my brother got into a situation last year, I had the biggest urge to call him out and lash out my disappointments at him. However, the natural inclination to be indifferent because I’m so tired of his shit was much stronger. Instead, when asked what he should do, I told him to reflect and remember his values and principles because it will eventually guide him to what is right.

A year and a half after that conversation, I am holding the cutest, smartest, and possibly tallest, ten-month-old in my arms. People say my niece looks so much like me and I am claiming it! Despite my inhibitions, I let my brother decide his future and it turned out well. It may be different from the future I envisioned but then again, it is not my life to live. As for now, what I will do is to continue letting people be and just focus on what I want to be: a cool, rich aunt.

On birthdays and milestones...

I spent the eve of my 30th birthday at the gym.

I have an interesting relationship with my birthday. You see, I never looked forward to it. Partly because it is nothing more but a day to mark another year added to my age. My family does not celebrate it like the others either. No cakes, no balloons, no birthday money. Instead, my grandma will simply buy one tub of ice cream or cook us pansit for lunch.

It does not help that my birthday falls before the start of the school year. There had only been two occasions when I spent my birthday on the first day of school. Both of which are uneventful.

I did notice though that my milestone birthdays are always spent in an interesting way. Some others are simply a bit more remarkable to be forgotten.

Read Me When You Feel Like Giving Up On Keeping Relationships

Today, I booked my flight to Europe for December.

This is in fulfilment of a promise. See, last year I promised to spend Christmas in Porto - with Angela and her beautiful family. I did not make it. So I told myself I should do it this year.

I was listening to a Spotify playlist. The one I used to play a lot back in the UK. I’ve always listened to this one, but now each song hits me with waves and waves of nostalgia.

On loving and losing

Today is my cousin’s wedding. She is only two years younger but in my mind, she is forever fifteen. My sister and her were high school classmates so my memories of her were that when they were still fangirling over this Korean band called FT Island. She was the biggest FT Island fan I know (before I met Jenny). Her social media account was full of the band’s photos and she would buy any merchandise with the band’s name on it.

But that was eleven years ago. 

Day 365: On Being Useful

One year. This is the longest I've stayed in a different country. Even my second home, Indonesia, cradled me for just eleven months.

One year. Of snowy winters, delayed springs, hot summers, and chilly autumns. One year. Of climbing hills, riding trains, boarding coaches, going in and out of the country to see four new others. One year. Of meeting awesome people from different parts of the globe, making friends with wonderful beings I never expected I will find, falling in and out and in of love, with my studies, with myself, with the world. One year. Of learning, unlearning, and relearning. Of being humbled, being proud, being brave. One year. Of which the greatest insight would probably be what I wrote while inside the bus going to Brighton that 31st day of May. Between birthday well-wishes and end-of-term goodbyes, I welcomed the last year of my twenties with a gloomy note signed with hope. The words ring true once more as I struggle to finish this dissertation.

I cannot be great. 

I do not and I cannot intend to be celebrated. I am not going to be a president, a motivational speaker, a leader, or a prominent figure. I will not have my name imprinted on the pages of history. 

I live because I live. I live because I have a purpose. I live to suffer. There are times when I felt like giving up. And sometimes, I sincerely wish I could quit. I wish I could just be a normal person whose greatest worry is what to feed her family. But giving up is not an option when the only thing you can be is to be useful. 

I will be useful. I am not alone. I am not special. But I cannot quit because one person less is one too many. 

In a homeland besieged with struggles, where hope is a candle burning in a stormy evening, to be useful is the greatest, noblest thing one can aspire to be.

One year in UK. 

Still trying to be useful.

Sticky Tales

Back when I was younger, I used to frequent this school and office supply store called M.Y. Enterprises in our hometown Cotabato City. I would walk along its aisles admiring stuff I couldn't afford to buy.

See, every start of the school year, my grandmother would prepare my annual hoard of school supplies: a pencil, an eraser, x number of notebooks for x number of subjects, plastic cover, scotch tape, one whole intermediate pad. What I receive on June is expected to last until March of next year. This explains why after the third month is up, I can be seen roaming around the classroom before a quiz, asking my classmates for a sheet of paper or an extra pen. 

Letters to Bullet Proof Boy Scouts

My most recent update in this blog was last October. I was supposed to post something right after that but I never got around to it. So I just wrote them all.

More than posting, I'm in the mood for hand-written letters and postcards these days. I even sent one to a boy group in Korea. I don't really care whether the letter was read. I just wanted to write.

I've transcribed the notes from my notebook to this blog. Today, I'm sending them out.

15 Most Important Lessons I've Learned In Life (In No Particular Order)

• Always lock the toilet/bathroom door when you're using it. 

• Don't laugh when your mouth is full. Especially if your crush is sitting on the table next to you.

• The morning air is always the freshest. 

• Take care of your eyesight or else you'll find it difficult to appreciate the beauty of the night sky. 

• Your childhood will affect your view of the world more than you ever thought it could. 

• The best friend you could ever have is your sibling. 

• Treat the nerds/weird kids nicely. They tend to remember the past in great detail. 

• Life has a way of smashing your childhood dreams into smithereens. 

• Hug your mom/dad every chance you can. You'll never know when will be the last time you'll be able to. 

• The safest smile is that when your teeth can't be seen. Also, never eat chocolate during a date. 

• Even though it can be hard, staying as friends is a better way of keeping someone rather than having them in a relationship. 

• Memories fade. Enjoy the moment while you're at it because you won't remember how it feels like ten or twenty years from now. 

• At the end of the day, no matter how twisted their ways are to get it, everybody just wants to be happy. 

• True happiness is being at peace with yourself. 

• Unless you're Hindu, vegetarian, allergic to meat, or the world's biggest killjoy, you can never go wrong with a plate of corned beef. 

Bam the Great's Guide on Love

aka Blind Leading the Blind

Firstly, this note is a free bullet. It might hit someone, or it might miss all of its supposed targets and land on some dank part of your subconscious right after you read it. Haha. Well, some of you may know the reason behind why this note came up, but still. Here goes (nothing). =))

My Journey into Philosophy in Relation to the book entitled The Little Prince

Philosophy can never be boxed into a specific definition. Its scope ranges from the deepest layer of the human mind to the farthest steep of human existence. Many books had been published in accordance to Philosophy, but who might think that one of the beloved stories for all time also promises such. The Little Prince, commonly perceived as a simple children’s book, is actually a work which implicitly applies some of the essential concepts of Philosophy.

The story of the Little Prince starts with the author’s story of his sketch of an elephant inside a boa. He deplores the fact that a lot of grown-ups see it as a hat. Here, the concept of insight is observed. His insight is different from others. What was more amusing was when the Little Prince agreed with his view. If we can remember, the Little Prince asked him to draw a sheep and he drew his famous elephant-in-a-boa sketch. The Little Prince immediately grasped the picture. And when the author finally drew him a sheep (in a box), the Little Prince happily took the drawing. Let’s say we are inside that scene with the Little Prince and the author, we might be confused about what is happening. The sketch of the box can be viewed by different people in different ways. And the concept that makes that difference is INSIGHT.

Before the Little Prince landed on Earth, he had been to many different planets. On his own planet, he had three volcanoes and a rose. He believed that his rose was the only one of its kind. He nurtured the plant because he believes that it is unique and is worthy of the entire attention one can give. But when the Little Prince reached the earth, he saw a garden with lots and lots of flowers like his own rose. This was also implied when he saw that the mountains here on earth are toweringly large, very much unlike the tiny volcanoes he keeps on his own planet. Though the little Prince is aware of the existence of his rose and volcanoes, he doesn’t know that there are also things like that existing on the other side. This scene depicts the lesson on the Allegory of the Cave. The Little Prince believes that his volcanoes are true (as manifested in the article about the presence of the flame). But when he saw (and actually climbed) the mountains on earth, he realized that the truth (his volcanoes) is not the reality. What is true may not be real, and what is real may not always be the truth.

The Little Prince’s experience may not be complete if he wasn’t there in the first place. His body and soul comprise his whole being. When the Little Prince landed on the planet of the businessman, tippler, lamplighter, and the others, he brought his self and acted appropriately in the place. The body and soul cannot be separated. Without your body, you cannot do things. Your body allows you to think and give insights. And when you think, you are practising your freedom.

When the Little Prince arrived on earth, he had the freedom to do whatever he wanted to do. Freedom comes with responsibility. When the Little Prince chose to go back to his planet, he talked with the snake. He wanted to return. He knows that the only way he can return is to be bitten by the snake. Freedom, though relative or absolute, implies the notion of choice. You can always choose whether you want to exercise absolute or relative freedom. In relative freedom, you’re choices are limited by the presence of the people around you. In Absolute freedom, you can do anything you want, but you have to take responsibility for your actions. Absolute Freedom does not necessarily mean that you have to step up on others' freedom as well. Basically, since everything you do has a certain consequence, you are reminded to think as a person so as to avoid such detriment brought by your actions. Freedom is good because it awakens your rationality and forces you to be responsible for the things you do.

The story is primarily of the encounter of the author and the relationship he has established with the Little Prince. Throughout the story, the author tells us about the different relationships the Little Prince has had. When the Little Prince visited the other planets, his relationship with them was the “we of indifference”. The King saw him as a subject of his Royal Orders, the Conceited Man treated him as an admirer, and the Geographer saw the Little Prince as an explorer. No more, no less. This functionality bored the Little Prince so he decided to look for another place. Thus, when implied, a relationship that is of plain function does not last because its limit ends with the fulfilment of the function given to you.

Probably one of the most notable characters in the story is the fox. It is the same fox who said that “What is essential is invisible to the eye.” When the fox first met the Little Prince, he said that for him, the Little Prince is just a boy like any other boy; and that for the Little Prince, he is just a fox like any other fox. But once they tame each other, they will be more than just a boy and a fox to each other. Before the Little Prince even tamed the fox, their relationship was based on qualities. What happened in the story is that the Little Prince chose to tame the fox. Beforehand, the fox told him that “You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.” Here enters the concept of authentic love. Beyond the relationship of qualities, when one decides to go forward, is the relationship based on authentic love. We have learned that authentic love is an appeal. It is not attractiveness (based on qualities), and it is not a request. The relationship of the Little Prince with the fox is like that of his relationship with his rose. His rose is full of pride, but he cares for her nonetheless. The Little Prince showed authentic love for the rose because even if the rose took him for granted, he never failed to be concerned about her. Authentic love is a choice. It is something that you do not do to anyone. When you love (since it is a demand), the concept of “be with me” is present. Thus, you open yourself to all the things that may happen, whether those are sufferings or blessings. When you love, your egoistic tendencies disappear. You lower your pride for the person you love. The Little Prince demanded love for the rose. He didn’t ask the rose whether she would want to be loved or not. He continued to love the rose even if he was not assured that his love would be requited. So basically, love as a demand does not need the approval of the other person. Your demand for love is within you. Whether that person you love will give you back the love you gave or not, you will still love him/her. Love is a demand because it does not care about the supply.

Philosophy, as I learned about it, is the juxtaposition of the abstract. It is the explanation of the things overlooked, but very necessary to existence. It is the study of life and its mysteries. The study of philosophy is rooted in mysteries. You do not question a thing if you have understood it wholly. So living in a world where life is relatively faster and borders are fluid, science and technology teach us how to make a living. But only philosophy can teach us how to live.