The only rule of the Club

I was twelve years old when I joined the Peer Counselor’s Club in high school. To become a member, you are required to go through a three-day workshop wherein you attend different sessions just to learn one sole rule: never EVER give advice to people.

The idea behind the rule is that you should not give advice because you are not in the position of the person. The only thing you can give is insight. Phrases like “if I were you...” or “you should...” are prohibited. Even though you pepper it with “perhaps” or “but only if you want to”. To give advice is to assume that the person is incapable of resolving the problem on her/his own. To give advice is to be arrogant, especially if the person did not explicitly ask for your advice in the first place.

At twelve, I learned that when people tell you stories that bother them, it’s usually because they just want someone to listen. It is not an invitation to run their life. A person may talk to you to intentionally ‘seek’ your advice, but a good peer counselor will help guide the person to find the solution. The guidance is not done in a purposeful statement of options but rather in carefully thought out series of questions that the person needing adviser would answer. The peer counselor’s work is to make the person s/he is helping reflect.

I am reminded of this lifelong lesson once more today. When my brother got into a situation last year, I had the biggest urge to call him out and lash out my disappointments at him. However, the natural inclination to be indifferent because I’m so tired of his shit was much stronger. Instead, when asked what he should do, I told him to reflect and remember his values and principles because it will eventually guide him to what is right.

A year and a half after that conversation, I am holding the cutest, smartest, and possibly tallest, ten-month-old in my arms. People say my niece looks so much like me and I am claiming it! Despite my inhibitions, I let my brother decide his future and it turned out well. It may be different from the future I envisioned but then again, it is not my life to live. As for now, what I will do is to continue letting people be and just focus on what I want to be: a cool, rich aunt.

Here's a photo of me and my riot of a niece today. The pic is a bit blurry but she really looks like me. HAHAHA