Today

The past few nights had been very interesting for me. My evenings are getting longer and stranger. I am not able to sleep and I have been occupying myself with thoughts of death. One of the reasons that ferment such notions is the recent health-related concerns that I have been feeling. Nonetheless, I am grateful that tonight is one of the few good nights.

I hung out with two good friends today, Mick and Jenny. I have not seen them in a long time. We ate at a Korean restaurant and had a pretty long discussion on development entrepreneurial endeavors. Interestingly, I now have another career prospect in mind. It does not run contrary to the previous career objectives I initially planned for the next two years. However, it is as equally ambitious as the others. Nonetheless, the discussion inspired me and, somehow, rekindled a desire to live. Well, it is not as if I actually lost the will to live, it is just that I found no reason to go on with life during the past days. It is not even a sad thought. Y'know, unlike the stereotypical notion of a death wish where people think a person dies because they have given up on life. On the contrary, I felt satisfied with what I have achieved and places that I have reached that I think I will be fine even if I die soon.

I am fine with the thought of dying and I even entertain it, so I wondered, why do I cry at night? The answer is you. It is strange that I do not feel anything as I type this. Usually, I would feel abashed and then I will cringe and end up not even writing it. But tonight is different. Tonight, I cannot feel anything. And maybe that is why tonight is good. I have long understood that happiness and sadness come together. If we wish to remove one of them from our system, it means the other has to go too. A perpetually sad person may think that happiness has long disappeared from their lives but the truth is, it is still there. Perhaps just intricately hidden? It is when a person can no longer feel, even sadness, that happiness is truly gone. 

Going back to you, perhaps it is the longing and the presence of hope that makes things hurt. Sometime back in 2009 when I was a bit more melancholic than I am now, I questioned the idea of hope. Why is there a need to hope for a better future? Does it mean that you are not at all happy and contented with what you have as of the moment? When you hope, there is an assumption that the present is insufficient. Hope is what pushes people to live for another day but, looking back on the day we have survived, can we say that we enjoyed the day in itself? Or did we just pass through the hours in a numb stupor for the hope of a "better" tomorrow? But I was young then. So of course, I have learned that to hope does not necessarily mean that I am not satisfied with today. It just means that I am optimistic that things will keep on getting better. It is, after all, the dynamic nature of the human spirit which encourages us to transcend beyond the limitations and fuel our desires to look for "more". 

When I think of you, I think of the what-if, the what-could-be, and the what-would-be. The curiosity pushes me to hope and triggers a sense of despair knowing that I may not be able to find out the answer should I die soon. The conflict between accepting death and resisting it for the sake of knowledge can be overwhelming. Hence, the tears. But tonight there is none. Instead, I feel eager to move forward to attain a goal. Maybe that is the reason why I keep collecting goals recently. To keep myself busy and to motivate myself towards an objective that I know I can achieve if only I put my efforts on it. And with that, I thank my friends.

It is funny how my original intention when I thought of writing this letter was to talk about my friends: how they inspired me and how amazing it is that despite the different preoccupations we now have, hours pass by unnoticed when we get together because our friendship is solid and it has withstood the test of time (and the fleeting interest that goes with it). Instead, I started off with the nights I am having.

I have written a lot. Freely and honestly, I can say. I am not sure how you may feel after reading this letter but I hope it does not make you worry or sad. To write away one's thoughts is therapeutic. There is actual research done on that. By putting this into words I am healing myself (should there be any need to heal). I actually prefer this rather than talking it out with someone. Conversations can be energy-draining and considering the lethargic state I feel right now, I need to conserve as much energy as I can.

On the contrary, I wish it will make you reflect. On many things. Even things that are not necessarily mentioned in this letter. And perhaps it will make you write too. Not necessarily to send to someone but just to let out the things that bother you.

I wish you many pleasant nights.

Signed with hope,

B