Today is my cousin’s wedding. She is only two years younger but in my mind, she is forever fifteen. My sister and her were high school classmates so my memories of her were that when they were still fangirling over this Korean band called FT Island. She was the biggest FT Island fan I know (before I met Jenny). Her social media account was full of the band’s photos and she would buy any merchandise with the band’s name on it.
But that was eleven years ago.
I asked my sister whether our cousin is still a kpop fan and she said that she (our cousin) lost interest years ago. In fact, she said that our cousin told her that there will come a time when she (sister) will eventually stop being a fan of her current favorite group, BTS.
(this I find funny because my sister knew Kpop ages ago but only got sucked into the system last year haha)
My sister scoffed at the idea that she will eventually stop being a fan of this group she likes so much right now. She thinks she may stop being active someday but that won’t mean she will stop caring.
I was quick to disagree and say “yes, our cousin is right. You will eventually stop caring”. I then mentioned about this celebrity that I religiously supported for five years.
Wow, five years.
It was then that another thought crossed my mind.
Is loving someone a waste of time?
See, ten years ago, I had this celebrity that I really liked. I pulled all-nighters to make sure her forum section is always active, watched every show she was in, created her Wikipedia and UrbanDictionary entries, wrote essays about her, sent her gifts, and even headed an international project for her birthday.
Putting it like that, I think saying I liked her is an understatement. I loved her. I even fought with people who said negative things about her! I think it’s because I see a bit of myself in her which is why I doted on her so much.
I loved her for five years. And when I say “loved”, I meant that I was continuously active in her fandom for five years. It was in this fandom too where I made friends even before I met them. I had friends in different countries and it was so amazing how we were able to develop a strong bond despite the distance. When I was in Indonesia, it was an online friend that I met through “her” who looked for a place for me to stay. It was through her that I met Bella, Ezra, Drew, Nara, and the Trolls. Now that I think of it, the friends I had after university were people I met because of her!
Indonesia, Singapore, Malaysia, Thailand... in each of these countries, I have a home. And it’s all because of her.
I stopped following her in 2014. She is an established celebrity now and I am no longer updated about her latest gigs. This made me think, were the money, time, and effort I used to spend all amounted to nothing? After all, I stopped caring a long time ago.
Had I been myself five years ago, I would probably say yes. But then, had I not went through all that, I would not be able to meet such amazing people and experience wonderful memories in the last ten years.
It was then that I realized that, no, you do not waste time loving someone. Love brings you joy and fulfillment. Sometimes, it would look like you are getting short handed when you give a lot for love; but then again, what sacrifice is too great in exchange for something so beautiful, for happiness and fulfillment?
When you love, you will not feel that you are wasting anything. If it is a waste, it is not love.
And so after that long epiphany, I faced my sister and told her to just go on and love freely. Go attend that concert. Go buy that album. Go spazz about it on twitter. Even if the person you love does not even know that you exist or would not return your love. You will eventually get tired of it someday but at least you get tired on your own time. The important thing is, you are happy. If it makes you happy, who am I to tell you otherwise?
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