Stoic

Pam used to say that word a lot back in college.

Stoic.

She says she's pretty much incapable of emotions. I used to scoff every time she says that. I do not believe it.  I argue that she smiles and laughs whenever we are together. She is able to react with our jokes and she also sympathizes with the problems I tell her.

No, Pam, you're not stoic. You're just in denial.

I tell her that a lot. Surprisingly, she doesn't seem annoyed. I should have believed her right there and then.

Five years unto the future after those memories, here I am, looking back on the words I have once spoken. Oh, the naivety.

The first time I noticed the changes was three years ago. I used to call it the 'zen mode'. It was that certain time every month wherein all my reactions were merely automatic responses to the surroundings. Like a built-in stimuli that I have to act out but not necessarily feel.

Someone says hi, you say hi back. That person smiles at you, you should smile back.

It's just hormones, I say. Or perhaps it is that 'recharging' time Introverts are supposed to have after prolonged socializing. That's what I believed so until the recharging time ate up most of the living hours and the 'hormonal period' became the time when I'm not in the 'zen mode'.

My friends don't notice it. Of course, they won't. How will they notice it when I am not always around them? It is strange and, to be honest, scary how I am an emotionally healthy individual when I'm around people I like but when the day is done and I'm alone again, I would need to stay in the 'zen mode' twice longer the time when I interacted with them.

It is at best, difficult and at worst, disparaging.

It is when you laugh because that is the logical reaction to a joke but the punchline simply fades away right after you hear it. It is when you enthusiastically shake the hand of a stranger introduced to you only to completely forget her/him the next time you see each other. It is when you sigh and listen to the heartbreaks of a friend but you cannot fully empathize because the emotion of sadness seem so foreign to you. It is when you look at the video made by a classmate about all your days in that new country and you feel no sense of nostalgia, no plucking of heartstrings, no feeling of bile rising up from your stomach leaving a bitter taste in your tongue. It is when you care so much at one moment and then lose interest in a blink of an eye. It is when you fully appreciate the day but you'd have no memory of it afterwards. It is when holding on is hard work and letting go is too easy.

It is when you sense the loneliness but you do not feel sad.

Stoic.

I understand Pam fully now. As much as I understand myself.

Yes, Bam, you're stoic. 

People will think you're in denial but that's okay. It's not like it'll affect you much, anyway.